


Burn

by SincerelyStarCadet



Series: Burn [1]
Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Matello, MelloDramtic, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:15:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27459340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SincerelyStarCadet/pseuds/SincerelyStarCadet
Summary: After realizing that Mello is really gone, Matt decides to write a letter as a final goodbye to the one he loves.
Relationships: Matt | Mail Jeevas & Mello | Mihael Keehl, Matt | Mail Jeevas/Mello | Mihael Keehl
Series: Burn [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2121357
Comments: 12
Kudos: 26





	Burn

It wasn't supposed to end like this. 

Never was. Not like this. Or maybe it was. Who knows?  _ Who knows. _

Maybe the big guy up in the sky had something to say about us. Or maybe fate was real. Some fate this is. Or karma for that matter. In my mind I don't care what anyone has to say. It wasn't supposed to end up like this. 

I wasn't supposed to end up alone.  _ Broken _ . A piece of me gone forever. 

I don't know anymore. I don't care anymore. It's too much. It's  _ too _ much. 

Actually, that's wrong. I care too much. Way too much. Always have.

_ Mello _ .. Where do I even start? 

It's ironic. Where do I ‘ _ start _ ’ doesn't really work. Because this isn't a start. It’s an  _ end _ . 

What did  _ I  _ do to deserve this? What did  _ you _ do to deserve this?

First.. Maybe an explanation. I wasn’t supposed to live. It was luck. Pure luck. Cursed luck. Luck I didn't want or deserve. 

Everything went according to plan until I was cornered by those Japanese policemen. I got out of the car. Said something snarky about them not going to shoot me… and that's exactly what they did. How am I alive you may ask? Well it’s due to that vest you always complained about me wearing. You said you hated it, but I think there was a small part of you that liked it. I’ll never know.. but I'd like to think you did. In any case it was bullet proof. I pretended I was dead when in reality it was only my arm that was hurt. After that I was able to escape. The memory’s a little fuzzy, but I know I made it out of there somehow. My arms are in pretty rough shape with two bullet wounds, but it’ll get better. Luckily it was my right arm and since I’m left handed I can still write this letter. 

If you can ever call it that.

I made it back to the apartment like we planned. I was excited. I had pulled it off. I knew you were going to pull it off. You always managed to pull things off. I couldn't wait for you to get home. Couldn’t wait to talk to you about how the mission had been a success. Couldn't wait to hug you. Couldn't wait to kiss you. Couldn't wait for this whole thing to be over. Couldn't wait to hold you in my arms and let all of our worries finally slip away after  _ years _ … 

So I waited. And waited. And waited. And  _ waited. _

And then I panicked, like a lot. Full blown anxiety break-down. Don't even know where to start with this. You didn't come home.  _ What had happened to you? _ I didn't know. Well, a part of me knew you were gone. Something bad had happened to you. There was a bigger part of me though, that wished you weren't, and believed you were just late. 

You wanna know how I found out about your death? Near of all people. He sounded sad. I know you wouldn’t want to hear that, but he did. He sounded genuinely sad. I think you should know that. 

I didn't really know how to respond to him. I think I was in shock to be honest. I just kind of whispered “ _ ok _ ” and hung up the phone. I didn't really know what to say. At this point I was just kind of acting on instinct and impulse. The phone rang again but I didn't answer. 

I got in my car, the one still covered in bullet holes, and drove to the building I knew you were taking Kiyomi Takada to. I found it burned to the ground. Rubble everywhere. The remnants of a truck still there. My guess is the flames made the gas tank explode. 

I fell to my knees. Near told me what happened.  _ I knew what happened. _ I just had to see for myself. Had to search through the rubble of the building for a body I knew was gone. For evidence. For truth. A truth I wanted to believe was a lie. 

I screamed. In  _ pure anguish _ . Screamed it wasn’t fair. Screamed how it was my fault. 

Everything hurt.  _ Everything _ . I felt like I was on fire thinking about how you would have died. I felt like I was the one who died of a heart attack and burned alive as I replayed what happened to you in my head. 

I found your necklace. I’m wearing it right now. The gothic cross one I teased you about that you wore all the time. That’s when I knew. That very moment. I dug it out of the rubble. I dusted it off. I put it on. I shook profoundly as I brought it close to my heart.

Does everything  _ burn _ ? Do all good things burn? Does love burn?

I think our love burned. 

I burned for you. You burned for me.  _ We burned for each other.  _

I think our love was like a flame. It was fire that sparked and only grew stronger with the years we spent together.

Now that you're  _ gone _ .. The flames are still burning, it's just not as strong. There's an element of the flame that strengthened it that's now gone. So the flames are smaller. It's still there. It always will be. But it'll never be the same. 

_ I’m burning Mello _ . Right now. I’m burning in a whirlwind of thoughts, regrets, and emotions. I can feel my insides melting. I can feel my core breaking. I can feel the dripping of my heart as flames pour out of it each time I think of you. You made me burn. _ You make me burn _ .

I’m burning for all of our interactions. All of my mistakes. All of my love that I gave you. 

Everything place you ever touched me is  _ burning _ . Every hug. Every kiss. Every push, pull, tug, caress. Whether gentle or rough.  _ All of it.  _

I never wanted to burn. Never thought I would. Never thought our love would spiral off the handle and leave me like this. 

I've always loved you. Always. Ever since we were kids. 

They say kids can’t know real love. I think I did. You were an arrogant tough blonde that everyone stayed away from. I didn’t run. I was intrigued _.  _ I knew there was something more to you. Much like there was something more to me than most people cared to know. I pushed back those barriers and met the real you. The you that others didn't see. The persona you never displayed.  _ I knew the real you. _ The kind, caring Mello who was determined as hell when he set his mind to something. The one who had a definite sense of justice and wanted to make a difference. The one who would close himself off from others when you were feeling especially vulnerable. The one who was insecure but determined to do his best. 

You know what I really loved? Among all the things I love about you I mean. I really loved our nicknames for each other. The teasing ones and the genuine ones. 

I’d teasingly call you Mr. Demandy Pants, Anger Management, Tough Guy, Blondie. 

You'd return the favor with names such as Nerd, Red-Head, Geek Squad, and your favorite one, Goggles. 

I’d genuinely call you Babe and Angel if I was feeling especially mushy. 

You’d also call me Babe a whole lot which I enjoyed. 

I had a lot of fun calling you sweetie that one time in front of your mafia ‘friends’. You’d pissed me off somehow and I thought it was the absolute  _ perfect  _ revenge. Your face went so red and I couldn’t tell if it was anger or embarrassment. Probably a combination of both. 

But you know what I really loved to call you? _ Mihael _ .  _ Mihael Kheel _ . 

At first you’d flinch when I’d call you that. You didn’t like the memories it brought up, and I couldn’t blame you. It was the name you were given. The name you had when you were given away to Whammy’s, just like me. It was associated with some bad memories. 

However later on you never flinched when I called you that. You’d scold me about using your real name because of the threat of Kira, but I knew you liked it. 

The name came to be associated with new memories. Happy ones. Intimate ones. You forgot what it used to be associated with. You  _ loved  _ it when I called you that. You could drop the tough guy persona and just melt on the couch next to me. 

I’d love it when you’d melt into my touch. When you’d let yourself be vulnerable. I loved knowing you trusted me with this side of you. The side that had been hurt. The side of you that was the real Mello. 

When we would just let ourselves go, even for a couple of minutes. I could feel the tension and stress just leave your body. You melted into my touch and I melted into yours. 

I can still remember how you felt. But it’s fading Mello.. it’s fading and I fucking  _ hate it.  _ I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget your soft skin, yet calloused hands. Your silky smooth golden blonde hair. Your plush lips against mine. Your rough leather outfits. The way you gripped me tight as if I was going to leave. 

We completed each other. I think we needed one another. 

Do you remember your 14th birthday? 

You were stuffing your face with  _ wayyy  _ too much chocolate for it to be healthy. It’s a wonder you didn’t die of diabetes first. I came up to you with my present after the happy birthday chanting died down. You lit up like a Christmas tree when you opened it. It was a leather jacket. Your very first one. You were always talking about leather. How it was such a cool style. All the time. It was annoyingly cute. 

I had scraped up some spare change and was able to get you one. It was a little worn down but it looked great on you. Seeing the look on your face was worth every single penny. 

You wore it all the time. Right up until you literally couldn’t move in it anymore. I’m looking at that jacket right now. I’m imagining a younger, more innocent you in it. It seemed even then you always knew how the world worked. How it was cruel and took things from people. 

When you got older you grew harder and colder towards others. I think it was L’s death that brought this about in you.

I still remember the day we found out. 

I was waiting outside Roger’s office for you. I knew it was going to end bad because Near was in the office as well. I heard you yell something about L at Roger and I winced because that was never a good idea. You stormed out fuming but with a new expression I had never seen on your face. “Mello? Mello?!” I called after you as you rushed down the hallway. “What?!” You snapped at me. 

I had never been too close to L, but you had. He was deciding between you and Near to be his successor. So that meant private lessons and interactions. I was never jealous though. I had my own plans for the future. I had a gift with technology. I was going to become a professional hacker most likely, and if I wanted a more simple life, a game designer. If you can call that simple. All I knew for sure though was that I was going to be by your side. We had made a pact, never to leave each other. “We’re gonna be better.” You promised. “We’re not gonna leave each other like others have done to us before.” 

… That really worked out according to plan didn’t it Mells?

You made it back to our shared room and pulled out a backpack as I watched you dumbfounded. I questioned what you were doing. You announced you were leaving. I froze. Panic coursed through me. You were leaving me? But we were a team! We were a duo, a pair, Matt and Mello against the world! 

“I’m coming with you.” I remember stating. It wasn’t up for debate. Wherever you went I would go. “So you don’t do anything stupid.” I joked. You stopped packing and looked up at me. There were tears in your eyes. Grief I presumed. Maybe guilt. A combination of both. I immediately went over and hugged you asking what was wrong. 

You never asked for affection but I always knew when to give it. I could always tell what you wanted and you could do the same with me. We just always seemed to  _ know  _ when it came to one another. 

“L is gone.” You whispered so clearly distraught but trying not to show it. I looked at you shocked. L?  _ The L  _ is gone? We all figured he was invincible. 

I’ve learned now that no one is. 

I wrapped my arms tighter around you. I brought you to the bed to lay down. You snuggled up to me and let yourself cry. Your crying was so soft. So silent. So painful to bear witness to. You hid your face in my chest as tears rolled down your cheeks. You were trying to suppress your tears and I wouldn’t let you. 

“Why does everyone leave?” You said sounding  _ so scared _ . As if you were indirectly asking if I was going to leave. It broke my heart. I gripped you tighter and I made you a promise. “I’m never going to leave you ok?” You nodded and turned your head, wiping your eyes. 

We left Whammy’s house that day. Holding hands with backpacks slung over our shoulder with absolutely no clue what we were doing or what kind of future awaited us. 

Together. In more ways than one. 

Your grief turned into determination. You put all your energy into catching Kira. You started doing bad things, you started to change. You were still the same Mello, but your exterior facade got tougher. You became rougher around the edges. 

Underneath all of that you were still the same Mello. And I loved you for it. 

When it was just us, we were honest in all forms of interactions. We were vulnerable. Even if no words were spoken we could read one another so easily. 

If you were really clingy it would mean you had a bad day. If you were extra grouchy you probably just needed a hug. If you were tired but were being an absolute idiot and refusing to go to bed, I could pretty easily soothe you to sleep if I played with your hair. 

One thing that was consistent is that everyone recognized us as a unit. A couple. A pair. One wasn’t without the other. 

I’m broken without you Mihael.  _ Broken _ .

A part of me is gone. It died with you. Burned with you. 

Not to sound dramatic but I'll never be the same. 

Right now I'm imagining you’re behind me, as I'm writing this; just watching me. Watching me shake with sobs. Watching my steady hand slip. Watching me pause and cover my mouth. Watching _ tears  _ pour onto this paper. 

I wonder how weak I must look to you? How pathetic?

I’ll  _ never  _ know. 

There’s a lot of things I'll never know. 

I hope it’s nice where you are. I hope you don’t worry about me too much. I’ll figure out how to live normally again, someday soon. 

I considered joining you. Considered taking that step. Making that kind of decision. Then I realized how sad and disappointed you would be and the thought dissipated from my mind in an instant. 

I’m only 18. You were only 19.

I kept thinking about all the things we’re missing out on. An engagement. A wedding. Hell, maybe we would have even adopted some kids later down the road. 

We had an entire life waiting for us you know? We talked about it sometimes.. lying in bed, just the two of us. You told me how you planned on getting out of the Mafia when this whole Kira mess was over. How we would start a new life together. Just the two of us. A happy, loving, quieter life.

Silent whispers and hopes of a future we’ll  _ never get to have _ .

I can’t.. I don’t really know what to do. I’m just gonna continue living. See where life takes me. I’ll never love anyone like I loved you. 

I’ll never understand why certain things happen. Why parents can give up their children. Why things hurt so damn much. How two people can be so deeply in love with another. How two souls can be bonded so closely together. 

It’s like I said at the beginning of this letter… This is an end. I can’t live my life pretending like you never existed. I never will be able to. There’s a part of you that will exist in me forever. But I needed to write this letter.. to explain myself.. to talk to you one more time, even though I’ll  _ never _ get a response. 

And that just rips my heart in pieces. 

You’re gone and  _ you’re not coming back.  _

…….

That’s the hardest sentence I’ve ever had to write in my life. 

I.. I’m going to miss you Mells. I miss you so much already and it’s only been a couple of days. 

I have a terrible feeling that it’s only going to get worse but I just want you to know I’ll be ok. 

I promise I’ll be strong. I’ll get through this. I’ll hold on to the memory of you but I’ll go on with my life. 

I won’t let your memory burn away. It’ll stay with me… a small flame that always keeps me going that's kindled with the thoughts of you. 

Of us. 

I think.. I’m pretty sure.. I want to believe that’s what you would want me to do. 

Goodbye Mello.

Mells.

Blondie.

Tough guy.

Absolute love of my entire life.

…..

_ Goodbye Mihael Kheel,  _

_ I love you,  _

_ Forever and Always,  _

Mail Jeeves 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! This is honestly my favorite thing that I've ever written. I wrote it like two years ago and just never had the confidence to post it. I hope you guys liked it, let me know what you thought and if you'd like more in the comments below! I also may or may not be working on a special sequel if anyone is interested..


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